Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is to do the right thing.
We have been taught all our lives to do the right thing, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and that two wrongs don’t make a right. All of those trite homilies and phrases that soak into our unconsciousness and lurk there, the little nagging voice, the voice of conscience, some say it is the voice of god.
I have always thought of myself as a moral person, one whom doing the right thing was always a given, an imperitive, a non-choice because what other choice could one make but the right one.
So why is it so very hard to do the right thing for myself? A new friend wrote a blog post about loving yourself first, and that once you do this everything else falls into place. By putting aside the need to give all of yourself to others while giving none to yourself, this is the right thing to do, the best thing to do, and yet is so very hard.
Then I read this quote on Twitter: “Don’t let someone become a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.” Lori Moreno
Another new friend did a sort of a tarot reading, and came up with the word “Support”. She advised saying outloud, “I thank the Universe for giving me support. I am ready *now* to accept help.”
These three pivotal instances, along with the unconditional love and support of my dearest best friends, cemented my need to take action and do right by myself.
Today, I took this step. I have asked the Universe for help and support. I have pared away one of the few things that gave me joy but was also causing me the most pain in the long run. I am removing all barriers and impediments to my future happiness. I have broken all old patterns and am rebuilding myself anew. Today is the last day of that old life and tomorrow is the start of a new path. I am simply just letting go.
It is as if I have packed a steamer trunk or, more correctly, a fourteen foot U-haul trailer full of the dreck of my past. Packed in there is the residue of failed relationships, both business and personal, the trauma of near death and the fear of relapse, the paralysis of fear of the future and the slow death of inaction, and the lingering hope that an impossible situation would miraculously change to be possible.
There are no magic wands to make everything better, to fix all the problems, to solve the insolvable. There is only me. And I can’t wade through life with all of these things clutching at my ankles and at my heart, holding me back from striding forward.
It is not easy, it is in fact quite painful to realize and admit that I am imperfect. That I can’t carry on in the manner that I have done in the past. That some things you try in life just don’t work. That some things just cannot be repaired.
If your car can no longer be repaired you don’t keep holding on to it, wishing it would get better and work again. That would be just silly. You junk it and buy a new one or change how you get from Point A to Point B. You don’t spend pointless hours mourning that the car is broken, you move on. If only this simplicity was so obvious when looking at how we actually live our lives. I am tired of holding on to broken things, and now I am done with that old pattern.
I used to say “leap and the net will appear”, but then I lost faith in myself and lost faith in the net appearing.
Today, I am taking that leap. I am scared. It is a long way down. But it is the right thing to do. And I am doing it. So, Universe, are you listening?