Sometimes we find assistance with our life problems in the most unexpected places, like in a movie or a song.
I have been trying to process my grief over the passing of my former beau and my thoughts have been quite confused. Turmoil reigns. Our relationship had ended badly and it took me quite a while to deal with that ending and to be okay with its failure. At the same time, I am keenly aware that I made the conscious decision not to be in his life and now, feeling acute grief over knowing he is gone forever, this weekend left me grappling with all of the decisions I have ever made and whether or not they were good ones. But as we all know, hindsight never changes things. You have to have faith in yourself and in your choices knowing you made the best decisions you could in the circumstances.
But still those self-doubting thoughts churned in and out of my overtaxed brain along with the “what-it’s” and most especially a screeching “why??” until all I could do was sit on a chair holding a ball of yarn in my hands. Looking at the whorls and patterns of the yarn as it wound around itself seemed a parable of my life. Unused yarn is destined for a greater purpose; whether the execution is successful or not, it hardly matters. Sometimes just a ball of yarn is a beautiful thing just as it is. I can choose to do more or do less or do nothing. And that is okay, my life can be as simple or as complicated as I want. I have the potential to go in any direction and if it doesn’t work or doesn’t fit it can always be unwound back like a ball of yarn. A ball of yarn can be just as it is for a long time too, there is no harm in staying neatly coiled up for a while.
A fragment of a song kept running through my mind as I smooshed the yarn and finally I realized what my brain-radio was humming. It was the “Circle of Life” song from The Lion King. I started chuckling a bit at my unconscious self and thought just how amusing it is to listen to my inner voice and hear what wacky and wonderful thoughts coalesce from in there.
Today’s musical “ahem” is that with every ending there is a beginning and there really is a circle of life. Or, perhaps a coil.
I began to listen to other things too, such as my body was tired, thirsty, tense and hungry. My mom and sister always tell me that when things are tough, first take care of your body by giving it the basics. Hot tea and toast or even a jolt of whiskey can have miraculous restorative powers.
I realized I hadn’t eaten or drank anything since the previous afternoon when my dear friends A___ and R___ gave me a great brunch at the beach house.
I went into the kitchen and started making toast and boiling water for tea. Somehow the lassitude infecting me slipped off my shoulders for a moment like a heavy blanket puddling onto the floor, and I reached into the fridge for the eggs, a few potatoes, a sliver of a leftover onion and some chevre.
Now my crazy brain started humming Hakuna-Matata which translated into Frittata so I started cooking myself a one and singing Hakuna-Frittata. I browned potato slices and onion in olive oil and beat up a few eggs with chives from my little chicken pot at the window. I piled up the potatoes to form an even bed, poured in the eggs and plopped chunks of the cheese on top and put a lid on the pan on the lowest heat.
Meanwhile the phone rang again and I had the sad duty to relay the news of Marc’s passing to yet another dear friend. Coincidentally she mentioned the circle of life too and after we rang off I forced myself to have an interval where I focused on nothing else but sustenance, with both songs snaking through my head.
There is truly nothing more comforting at times than tea, toast and eggs. Life goes on and we who are left behind have no choice in the matter. We are, we remain and we have to go on. And sometimes the first step towards doing this involves seeking some solace from friends and making a simple meal.