Ennui Alert

I haven’t felt like writing much lately. I had two fun long weekends with dear friends, one in the Tahoe area, the other in San Diego.

My shoulder was not happy in Tahoe and within the space of a week I managed to injure it not once but *three* times before and during my San Diego trip. But I decided to just soldier on and insist on having fun regardless.

And I did. But it feels sometimes that the Universe wants to punish us for having too much fun. On the way back home I found out the hard way I am seriously allergic to taro. Trust a gourmand to become allergic to an essentially tasteless root.

Then I got home and received word that my father passed away the week before, when I was out having fun.

This has been hard. We had not the best relationship but lately when I really needed help and was in serious trouble during that long dark period of unemployment he was there for me. I had hopes that we could find an easy path but that’s not going to happen now. He sickened and died suddenly and I never got to see him.

I feel strung out on physical pain, exhaustion and regret. I feel like I haven’t slept since November of 2010 when I hurt my shoulder. My dreams when I do fitfully doze are filled with dark matter. I long to rest and rest some more and eat bacon and watch silly movies but it’s not to be. I work hard during the day and wrestle with the sheets in restless pain at night. Will I ever heal, in body or mind? Will I be able to read a book, knit, cook or even do daily life activities again?

I am trying…

I feel ennui, the lassitude of fatigue and burnout. Going through the motions, brushing my hair and slapping on a bright lipstick smile for the outside world, inside I feel as pallid as indiscriminate boiled beef.

My friends and family have been loving and encouraging. I try to have perspective and notice the nice things around me.

I found this today.

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My beloved redwood trees grow silently next to highrises downtown, just a few blocks from my office. I will be back.

I heard my auntie and uncle and cousin were just fine after Hurricane Irene. I spent a Sunday with my dearest childhood friend, we are like two halves of a pea.

Going home tonight I stopped to sit in the sun, just to sit and empty my head and to observe this view.

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Awoken by yet another little earthquake it’s a challenge to try sleep again. I feel better writing though, and the cat lies sprawled nearby, hogging the foot of the bed and snoring. Ennui swells and ebbs, the path of life flows on.

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7 responses to “Ennui Alert

  1. I’m sorry about your father. I understand hat type of relationship and it seems you have some good stuff I remember.
    I read a short snippet in a Jeffry Steingarten book about having a severe allergic reaction to a bit of leaf from the taro plant. I can’t imagine!
    Anyway stay strong.

  2. that last photo is really pretty. and 😦 hugs!!! 😦

  3. Keep going. You’re doing great, just for showing up and putting the ennui down on the page.

  4. Keep fighting that fog of ennui – you’ll be fine because you are so loved and cherished by your family, friends and readers! Please keep writing.

  5. Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement and kind words. I really, truly appreciate it. I don’t usually write such emotional things but it’s better out than in, right? Thank you for “listening”.

  6. I’m so sorry about your father…sending you lots of love.

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